


Jean Kirstein's Wonderous World

by thegoldhopeful



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Crossover, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-01
Updated: 2014-10-04
Packaged: 2018-02-06 23:22:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1876401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegoldhopeful/pseuds/thegoldhopeful
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean Kirstein, a sixth year student at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, is hoping he can just have two peaceful years before he graduates. Unfortunately for him, his rowdy group of friends, Hogwarts' weird and occasionally completely insane teachers, and a menagerie of strange and unusual beasts have different plans. </p>
<p>The entrance of a freckled transfer student from Wales only serves to complicate matters</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jean Kirstein and His Weird Friends

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rosettaevans16](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosettaevans16/gifts).



> This is a Hogwarts AU for Jaz. It is trash (just like me), and there is definitely more coming.

_The year begins, and a mysterious new student arrives from Wales_

The date is September 1st 2013; the location is Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, the most prestigious magical school in the British Isles. In the basement of the aforementioned school, a young man sits on his bed, tapping at the keyboard of an expensive wizard computer.

Technology has made huge leaps and bounds in the last few years, pushed forward by maji-hackers: young sorcerers, often with glasses and an overabundance of acne, who live in their parents’ basements. The work they do is invaluable, so much so that even the famously conservative ministry of magic has been forced to acknowledge its importance.

Much like the muggle equivalent, the content on the wizard Internet ranges from informative and useful to misinformed and contested to completely useless. An excellent example of the completely useless is WizTube.

Unlike the inferior muggle YouTube, WizTube allows users to watch holographic recordings of popular music videos, numerous covers of these videos, top quidditch moments, dragon competitions from other countries (Eurocup Dragon Races are uploaded illegally by dedicated fans every year), reruns of ‘Pimp my Broomstick’, and infinite home holos by young wizards hoping to launch their career as a WizTuber. The one man on the bed is one such person.

“A lot of students in other houses say that the Slytherin common room is cold and wet, in atmosphere as well as in temperature; they are wrong. It can be a bit chilly here in winter, but that’s because the room is in the dungeons, and, as for the atmosphere, well, if it’s not as chummy as other dorms, it’s because we like our privacy and dislike being jumped on by idiots (read: Gryffindors) like so much furniture.”

“Oh, I haven’t introduced myself; I am Jean Kirschtein, pureblood, wizard, and sixth year student here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This is going to be the start of my channel on WizTube.”

“This is going to be a journal of my sixth year in this academy, and a log of all the events that are going to happen within it. So I hope you enjoy my videos, and I look forward to an exciting year with you all. Kirschtein out.”

Jean shuts the ImptopTM; it’s the newest kind, operated by specially trained sprites who can be directed with just a flick of a wand. The wizard computer was a gift from his parents, and he’d found it floating over the end of his bed on his birthday with the words ‘sorry honey, business calls, we’ll be back by this weekend, luv mum and dad ’ written in blue light in the air above it.

He stands up and carries the sleek oak case across the common room to his dorm. The opening banquet starts in about ten minutes, and, although he wants to bring it with him and boast about it in front of the new first years, Headmaster Erwin’s eagle eyes would definitely notice it, and ever since wiztech became popular, it has been strictly banned in official ceremonies.

The Slytherin complex is quiet and fairly empty; its members are all unpacking or sitting quietly, readjusting to life in the wizard school. Stuff has already started to pile up on chairs and desks, as, contrary to appearances, Slytherins tend to live in a kind of organized chaos that bemuses the outsiders. Jean turns back to the dark oak door of his room, which he shares with an insanely tall guy who sweats a lot. As sixth years, they’ve earned the right to share a room between two people rather than four.

Jean looks in the mirror that occupies a portion of one wall in the hexagonal room, a poster of the famous quidditch player, Ilse Langnar, has already been taped to one corner. Beside the Kenmare Kestrels poster is a small group photo of about ten students laughing at the camera. He straightens his tie and robes, and then shoves the conical wizard hat down over his two toned hair, trying to make it stay on his head. It falls off. In the mirror he sees his roommate, Bertolt Fubar, enter the room, or at least try to enter the room. 192cm of Bertl, plus an extra 40cm of hat proves too much for the door, knocking the latter off Bertl’s head, much to uproarious laughter from a nearby painting of one of Slytherin’s most famous Alumni, Nile Dawk.

Bertl bends down to retrieve the hat. “That’s the third time today,” he says morosely.

“Let’s just carry them to the banquet,” Jean replies, he pulls a pocket watch out of his robe, “it starts in about two minutes.”

They arrive at the table just in time to watch the vice principle and head of Gryffindor, Hanji Zoe, make an exaggerated silencing motion at everyone gathered and then duck out the door to bring in the first years.

Slytherin’s table is almost full, excepting the seats reserved for first years, and Jean and Bertl move to a section at the back. Much to Jean’s consternation, the only seat left is directly behind Gryffindor’s Eren Jaeger, the bane of Jean’s existence.

“Hey Kirschtein,” he hisses, “lost your way to the great hall again? I bet –Ouch! ”Mikasa, Eren’s dark haired stepsister jabs her elbow into his ribs.

“Fuck off Jaeger,” Jean whispers back, before pointedly ignoring the other boy and turning to the raised dais.

“What an amazing retort,” a brunette with a ponytail, Sasha, shoots back.

Jean turns and favours her with a scowl, “better than anything you could manage, potatogirl.”

Her boyfriend, Connie, hoots loudly at this, and Sasha sticks out her tongue. Jean sighs; he’s been stuck with these idiots since year one, when they somehow adopted him into their weird group.

There has been no change to the lineup at the professor’s table: on the left, the tree-like groundskeeper Mike Zacharias, then Erd Gin, transfiguration, followed by Gunther Schultz, flying and quidditch coach; after that, there is an empty seat belonging to the potions teacher Hanji. In the center of the table is a large silver and wood throne, currently occupied by Erwin Smith, the one-armed principle of Hogwarts. (There are many stories about how exactly he lost his arm, and none of them are true.) On Erwin’s right is the diminutive (but faintly terrifying) defense against the dark arts professor, Levi Ackerman, who sits beside Petra Rall, herbology, and Aruro Bossard, charms. Moblit Berner, Hanji’s overworked assistant who teaches muggle studies when he’s not busy putting out fires in the potions room, occupies the final seat.

The immense doors of the great hall burst open with a burst of streamers in all the house colours, conjured up by the prefects. Wide-eyed eleven year olds try to look everywhere at once as they are ushered forward by an overly enthusiastic Hanji.

Something at the back of the group catches Jean’s eye. An older student, far taller than all the others walks beside Hanji. He has black hair and large eyes, and so many freckles that Jean can see them even from his seat at Slytherin table. He leans back towards the neighbouring bench.

“Hey, who’s the tall kid in the back?” he asks quietly.

“I haven’t seen him anywhere before, but he looks to be about our age,” Mikasa whispers back.

Connie cranes his neck to get a better look, “he’s got Hogwarts robes, but no house colours…” He trails off as a piece of parchment folded into an aeroplane zooms out from under table and settles in front of Eren, who picks it up and opens it.

“It’s from Armin.” They look over at the Ravenclaw table, where a short blond boy winks at them. Eren looks back to the note and starts reading in the quietest voice he can manage (which still isn’t very quiet), “The boy at the back is a transfer student from Wales; Hanji was talking about him. He went to Red Dragon Academy before, but his family moved up to Manchester, so now he will be attending here. I guess the profs want to sort him along with this first years rather than doing something private.”

After Eren has finished reading, the note folds itself and whizzes away. Two tables over Jean can see Armin retrieve it and slip it into his robe.

“Students,” the muffled whispering in the hall dies out completely as the headmaster prepares to make his speech. Jean tunes out about half way through, choosing instead to watch the newcomers. Most of the first years stand in awe, watching the Headmaster, the Profs, or the students. The older guy seems just as speechless as the youngsters.

Jean tries to remember what he knows about Red Dragon Academy. It’s the biggest school in wales, which isn’t saying much, and it’s famously biased against the English, the French, the Irish, and everyone who isn’t welsh. Really it’s where the Welsh send their kids to learn wizardry that hasn’t been indoctrinated with English ideals, which is to say they learn the exact same thing just with more consonants (see: the welsh language).

Erwin finishes his speech and pulls the battered sorting hat out of its case, sitting it on its stool to let it sing a dumb song. Eren snickers and points to Professor Levi, who is rolling his eyes at the hat. Mikasa puts her hand over Sasha’s mouth to keep her from laughing out loud. She ends up snorting into her goblet.

The song finishes and Hanji begins calling out names of first years, who nervously shuffle up to the old stool and sit with varying degrees of patience as Hanji lowers the hat on to their heads. (Jean knows for a fact that Hanji lowers the hat more and more slowly as the night goes on just to psych out the new students.) He isn’t really interested in any of these kids, and he claps politely whenever anyone is selected for Slytherin. He is also childish enough to boo quietly at Eren and the others whenever the hat yells, “Griffindor!”

Finally only one black-robed figure stands at the front of the hall. Hanji clears her throat dramatically. “This is an exceptional situation. Marco Bodt,” the boy waves a bit, grinning nervously, “is a student transferring here from Red Dragon in Wales. He will be entering Hogwarts as a sixth year student, and I hope that you will all be very friendly to him.”

“Marco Bodt, huh,” Eren says under his breath, “doesn’t sound welsh. Hey,” he turns to Jean, “ten sickles says he’ll be sorted into Griffindor.”

“Shut up Eren,” Mikasa says, just loudly enough to earn a scowl from Professor Levi. Eren wilts under his gaze, but Mikasa frowns right back at him.

By this time, Marco has sat on the stool, and Hanji is lowering the hat glacially slowly onto his head.

Sasha’s stomach growls and Connie snickers at her. Ignoring him, she whispers, “I wish she’d hurry up a bit, I’m _literally_ starving here.”

The vice headmistress must be able to read minds because as soon as Sasha finishes this thought, she drops the hat right onto Marco’s head. It twists itself around, and Jean knows from personal experience that the seemingly inanimate object is having a conversation of some sort with its wearer. The hat blinks then yells, “Hufflepuff.”

The yellow draped table on the far side of the hall erupts with cheers. Jean frowns a bit; it would have been nice to have a completely new person in Slytherin, especially that guy. Wait. Where did that thought come from?

Erwin stands again, and, not wasting words, says, “Let the feast begin!”

Food appears on plates, and drinks in jugs. Sasha, Connie, and Eren pile in immediately, loading their plates and elbowing each other. Mikasa and Jean exchange glances; the appetites of their companions haven’t lessened in the last six years.

Turning back to his Slytherin companions, Jean sighs and carefully places a piece of chicken on to his plate.

“So I saw you eying up that Bodt kid,” a tiny blonde girl with icy blue eyes remarks.

Jean sits back, Annie is probably the literal definition of a Slytherin, and somehow everything she says puts him off balance. Those eyes don’t miss anything either.

Beside her, Bertl sweats, “I saw him sit next to Reiner, so maybe we can chat with him later.”

“Oh no…” Annie mutters. Looking across the hall, Jean can see why; Reiner, an immensely well-muscled blond guy, has caught the far smaller Marco in an overly friendly one-armed hug. That’s really the essence of Reiner’s personality: excessive amounts of anything and everything.

They all wince in sympathy. Annie shrugs and turns back to her food. “None of these first years seem particularly promising…”

* * *

“Muggles call it ‘Indian summer,’” Armin lectures, “It’s when the autumn is just as warm as the summer.”

Jean shifts the Imptop on his lap so it’s mini camera recorder gets a better view of the blond boy. Eren lounges one bench away, Mikasa sitting at his feet. Sasha and Connie are fooling around on the grass of the courtyard. It’s midmorning on the day after the entrance banquet, the second official day of school.

“I don’t see why you’re so interested in Muggle Studies, you can’t really do anything with it.” Eren leans back, “and can’t we start already, I want to know what classes you guys have.”

“Not until Reiner gets here,” Mikasa says.

“And you’re the only one obsessed with a crazy quest against all evil,” Jean pauses the video.

Armin takes the Imptop, “This computer is so cool, and I can’t believe you’ve got one; they’re so expensive.”

Jean blushes.

“What’s up sluts,” a booming voice echoes from the dark doorway. Eren jumps and falls off his bench. “Guess who just got out of prison?” Reiner appears, grinning, trailed by Bertl and Annie.

“Reiner _no_ ,” Bertl sighs, his shoulders deflating a bit.

Eren jumps back to his feet. “I’ll pay you if you say that to Levi”

“I’ll pay you more if you say that to Erwin,” Connie chimes in.

Reiner smirks, “well I just might.”

Annie executes a crazy standing trip from behind, and he topples over onto his ass. “No you will not.”

A fourth person enters the doorway, but hangs back so the light of the courtyard only touches one side of his face, leaving the other in shadow and making it look like he is only half there.

The others are too busy guffawing at Reiner’s upturned butt to notice, but Jean sees. He starts; the boy in the doorway is the same new student from Wales who was sorted into Hufflepuff at the opening ceremony.

Reiner stands up, laughing good-naturedly, and notices the boy. He motions him over. “Everybody, I’d like you to meet Marco. He’s new so he doesn’t know anyone. Marco this is…” He rattles off everyone’s names way too quickly.

Marco looks confused; Jean can’t really blame him. Reiner had obviously adopted him as a friend, and given him very little say in the matter. Reiner was like that, Eren too, they were big and loud and crazy, and, before you knew it, you’d been dragged along with them.

Jean suppressed a smile; this gang might just be a bunch of weirdos and mudbloods, but life was more interesting with them around than it was sitting alone in his parents’ cold manor with only their bad tempered cat for company –

“Okay! Now we can discuss classes,” Eren interrupts Jean’s train of thought.

A chorus of “yes!” answers this statement and everyone crowds around. Armin, the only person not to have already forgotten Marco, smiles and waves at him, indicating the empty space between himself and Jean. Marco grins thankfully and takes the spot.

Mikasa and Annie pull out their timetables and compare classes while Reiner bemoans the fact that he “never gets in classes with hot chicks, just ugly horse faces like Jean”.

“Hey!” Jean snaps back.

Before he can properly retaliate Eren joins the chorus, “GROOOOOOSS double potions with the reverse centaur.”

That’s not a name he came up with himself; it was one of Annie’s icy verbal jabs that Eren had appropriated.

Jean stands up to try to punch him. Armin grabs his robe and pulls him back down.

Eren begins to pull a face, but Mikasa’s fist connects with the back of his head.

“I have muggle studies and then herbology,” Armin says calmly.

“Oh, I have herbology then too, we’re probably in the same class,” a foreign voice adds. It’s Marco. He speaks with a strong welsh accent and a peculiar lilting tone. “I love herbology.”

Everyone is quiet for a moment; it’s the first time most of them have heard Marco speak. Then Reiner breaks the silence with a loud guffaw. “So you like plants huh?”

“Nerd,” whispers Eren. Mikasa gives him a dirty look.

“Okay, what about the afternoon,” roars Reiner, the little argument having totally passed him by, “Bertl and I have advanced divination, and then defense against the dark arts.”

“Gah, gah, gah,” Eren laughs smugly. “I have quidditch theory and then Defense. Betcha wish you were taking that class, don’t you, Reverse centaur?”

Annie sighs dramatically, “Eren you just used that insult three minutes ago, and Connie and Sasha have that class too.”

“I don’t care about quidditch theory,” Jean adds, smirking. “I don’t need a lesson to appreciate the beautiful game. A mudblood like you might though.”

“Hey that’s bloodist and offensive,” Connie yells from the other side of the circle. Recently he’d discovered the deep seeded prejudice throughout the wizarding world and vowed to eliminate it (with blood and fire if necessary, as he’d once told Sasha).

“Bloodist isn’t a thing Connie,” Connie opens his mouth to retort but Mikasa doesn’t give him time, “but Jean that was derogatory and you need to shut up.”

Jean shuts up.

An awkward second of silence ensues. From beside Jean, Marco speaks again, “it looks like we all have that same Defense against the Dark Arts class.”

“Err, I guess we do,” mumbles Bertl.

Conversation returns to normal. Jean lets out a mental sigh of relief and sits back. Usually he’d be fine with engaging in a supremely childish argument with Eren and Connie, but for some reason he doesn’t want to embarrass himself in front of Marco.

They spend the rest of the morning lounging around the courtyard. Marco doesn’t really say much more, other than getting into a deep conversation with Armin about the various uses of traffic lights. The discussion is confusing and technical, and, after about a minute, Jean gives up trying to follow it.

Annie and Mikasa sit together on a bench, painting each other’s nails black, silver, and gold and judging other students. Sasha fidgets beside them, but she has no patience for that kind of thing and soon ends up playing a muggle karate game with Connie and Eren. Reiner is mooning after a tiny Hufflepuff girl who, despite her diminutive size, is the same age as the rest of them.

Jean snickers as he imagines big and muscular Reiner dancing with the petite girl. He thinks back to last year’s Yule ball, and the catastrophe of Reiner’s dancing and of Bertl trying to dance with Christa’s shadow, Ymir, while they both tried to watch their charges.

He himself hadn’t had anyone to go with, but the comedy of that, and of Sasha and Connie’s pranks, almost made up for it.

This year would be different. He has his friends, of course, and does well in his academics. On the whole, he is shaping up to be a model student and is well on his way to a good ministry position.

Jean closes his eyes and basks in the Indian summer sun. He’d forgotten how much he missed being surrounded by people. And that Bodt guy actually seems to have some interesting things to say. The year isn’t shaping up to be too bad at all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Marco be able to deal with all these weirdoes? Can Jean survive potions with Eren? Is this the year Erwin's eyebrows are mysteriously shaved off? These questions and more will be answered in the next instalment.


	2. Jean Kirstein and his Crazy Classes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so late because I'm trash. I apologize profusely.

_Quidditch season starts, and so do classes._

Jean’s Imptop sits on one of the high tables in the back of the library by a window. Soft yellow, red, green and blue light pours through the stained glass, illuminating the dust motes in the air and projecting kaleidoscope patterns onto the dusty black robes of Marco and Armin.

Armin is writing a seemingly endless essay on muggle computing technology, and Marco is bent over some kind of charms paper, smiling faintly as he writes. They are both using muggle pens, and Armin pauses every minute or so to refill his, only then remembering that they don’t need refilling and exclaiming over the genius of muggles. Jean is nimbly avoiding his academic responsibilities by filming another WizTube video.

“It’s a week after term has started, and things are settling down here. The first years are finally getting used to pretty much every aspect of normal Hogwarts life. They’ve stopped screaming every time the owls come in.

“Classes are picking up too. Double potions with Jaeger is still almost unbearable, but we’re finally moving on to the interesting material. The first one is Felix Felisis, which is basically liquid luck or boiled down fortune. Then we move on the more useful ones like the draught of living Death and the Amortentia potion. Professor Hanji’s as nutty as ever though; it’s lucky that class is held in the dungeons because, just yesterday, she nearly burnt the room down trying to kill a bee.” That had been an unsettling class with Eren yelling and Hanji yelling and Bertl screaming. Eventually the headmaster had wandered in and put out the fire. Hanji’s only excuse for causing it had been that the students needed to practice their fire protection spells. Erwin had not looked convinced but had left without saying much.

“Aside from that, well, things are as usual here. I’m looking forward to the Halloween banquet, especially if the professors dress up like they did last year. Now in sports -”

Marco yelps as a fast moving red object about the size of a chair nearly collides with the window. Three centimeters before the glass, it stops short, hovers for a millisecond, and then shoots off along the side of the building.

Marco lets out a long sigh and wipes his hand over his forehead. “Phew, I thought that was going to hit --” He pauses as a second green shape repeats the motion. “-- us.”

Armin leans back over his chair. “That was probably Annie and Mikasa practising together.” He groans and grabs the front of his robe with his right hand. “My heart isn’t strong enough for this crap.”

“Armin you’re, like, sixteen.” Jean looks at the blond critically.

“I have a weak heart.”

Marco laughs. “Those two were going really fast. I could never do that myself.” He rubs the back of his head.

“They’re practically prodigies,” Jean explains, “they’re both seekers, Annie has been flying since birth, and Mikasa since she was about eight. They’re evenly matched though. They’re the aces of their respective house teams and the only reason we haven’t swept up the Quidditch Cup the last three years. We’ll beat Griffindor this year though for sure.”

Beside them, Armin seems to be experiencing some kind of emotional trauma. “Augh, I can’t concentrate after that,” he sighs, flopping over onto the desk, arms and legs wheeling ineffectively like an overturned tortoise.Marco stifles a giggle.

At that moment, the sound of running feet echoes through the library, and Sasha appears around the corner, gracelessly colliding with the wall as she tries to speed round the tight turn. Her shirt is untucked; her hair is wild, and her cheeks are red, so pretty much Sasha as usual.

“Annie and Mikasa are practising outside. Do you wanna come watch?” she says breathlessly.

Armin perks up immediately and gathers up his papers. Marco and Jean do the same before running after Sasha.

They follow her out on to a roofed bridge that connects two of the school buildings. About halfway across, Connie and Eren are arguing over a large pair of bronze binoculars. Sasha skips up to them and plucks the field glasses from Connie’s hand. He rushes after her and grabs her waist, laughing.

“Get a room you two,” Eren yells at them before jogging up to Armin and slinging his arm over the short boy’s shoulder.

“Get a room you two,” Jean parrots. Eren gives him the finger, and Jean returns the childish gesture. There may be a time for acting like adults, but this is not it.

“I am surrounded by nothing but love struck idiots,” Jean says morosely, turning to Marco.

“Careful horse face, you don’t want to use up your entire vocabulary on one sentence.” Jean looks back and scowls at Eren, who gives him a sunny smile.

“Heeeyyy! They’re coming this way,” Connie and Sasha rush to one side of the bridge and lean out over the railing, Sasha jokingly trying to push her boyfriend over it. Subtlety and gentleness are not really features of their relationship.

Jean shades his eyes and squints to make out the two dots quickly approaching the bridge. The two girls are coming at the unstable structure directly, and even as they get closer they show no signs of slowing down. A tiny gold sphere swishes past his ear. The snitch. Annie and Mikasa don’t stop moving. Now Jean can clearly see the house emblems on each of their uniforms. He ducks, unconsciously grabbing Marco’s hand and pulling the other boy down with him.

The black haired boy lands on top of Jean, momentarily winding him. By the time he recovers, Annie and Mikasa have already sped off.

Eren leans over the opposite railing, shaking his fist and yelling, “That was just showing off! There’s no way in hell you could use that in a match.”

“Looks like he got scared.” Armin sits a foot away from them. He looks at the two boys and smiles. “You should probably get up now.”

Jean’s eyes widen as the reality of the situation dawns on him. He scrambles up, apologizing profusely, with his face turning an unflattering shade of crimson. Marco is still sitting on the path and Jean offers him his hand. “I’m so, so sorry, that was awkward and rude, and I’m sorry.”

Marco interrupts the embarrassing tirade with a smile, “That was pretty scary, wasn’t it? Those two are really good.” He takes Jean’s hand and allows the shorter boy to pull him up.

His grin is disarming, and Jean feels himself relaxing. He smiles back, “I don’t usually make a habit of tackling people I’ve only known for a week-“

“Hey Jean, what’s up with the red face?” Connie sure does know when to ruin the moment.

Jean turns to yell at him.

“Yeah,” Eren joins in, damn him, “I didn’t know horses could blush.”

He sees the murderous look on Jean’s face and, for once, makes the wisest decision; he turns and runs back to the castle with Connie following, yelling, “Don’t leave me to be the only victim of the angry man-eating horse!” Their fake screams fade into the wind.

Jean briefly considers following them, but he’ll never catch them now; Connie’s walls are still hung with trophies from muggle races, and Eren is capable of running miles with determination alone. Behind him, Sasha sounds like she’s busting a gut. When he turns to look, there are tears streaming down her face, she’s laughing that hard.

Armin’s superior self-control shows, and he only snickers behind his hand. Marco stands with his mouth slightly open, as if the entire event shocked and confused him.

“Thank goodness at least one person here doesn’t find my humiliation hilarious,” Jean remarks to the world in general, giving the other two a pointed look. Sasha erupts into another laughing fit, and Armin looks unrepentant.

“Sorry, Jean,” Marco looks at him, trying to hide his smile with his hands, “but it was kind of funny.”

* * *

 

Levi's defence against the dark arts classroom appears fairly incongruous. Its small, non-descript oak door is wedged between a fluted column and a framed portrait of a horse. (“Look, Jean, one of your cousins,” Eren had said when he'd first seen it.) Inside, the class is spotless; shining desks sit in neat rows beneath pristine arched windows. The big teacher's desk at the front of the room is occupied by two neat stacks of paper and nothing else.

Jean and Eren are the first to arrive. Eren whips around to face the taller boy, blocking the entry.

“Say goodbye to all your quidditch hopes Kirschtein,” he hoots smugly. “Gryffindor’s gonna take the cup for the forth year running.”

“You do realize that I don’t actually care about quidditch.”

“You’re still gonna lose.”

Jean sighs and turns away, leaning his back against the wall.

Sadly, Eren isn’t done yet. “What, are you ditching the beautiful game because Mikasa turned you down so many times?”

“That was a long time ago. I was eleven. I was awkward and now its over,” Jean knows that the jab was petty, but he can’t help himself. Eren just pisses him off that way. It was a long time ago; they were first years, and Mikasa was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. On hindsight, it had been hopeless from the start. Mikasa was way out of his league. Mikasa was way out of everyone’s league.

Eren grins, “then why are you still so delicate about it?”

Jean's expression darkens like a thundercloud, and he's seriously thinking of clocking Eren a good one when he is interrupted.

“Move, shitty brats.” Professor Levi Ackerman doesn't look at either of them as he brushes past into the room, disappearing behind his desk. Eren forgets his taunting and stares after the teacher with the same worshipping gaze he's had since year one. Seriously, he’d probably lick the dirt off Levi’s boots if the teacher told him to.

“Tsk.” Jean elbows past him and finds a seat in the middle of the class.

Eren bounds up to the front and begins babbling to the room in general, “this is where the real stuff kicks in. No more wasting time with petty spells and third rate monsters: with this knowledge, we can wipe evil off the face of the wizarding world!”

Jean does his best to tune the brunet out, which is difficult, but he somehow manages, concerning himself with stacking his textbooks and parchments. Defense against the dark arts requires an unholy amount of course material, and his arms are already aching from carrying it all.

“Shut up, Eren.” Mikasa walks in and sits next to Eren, whacking the back of his head with her wand as she does. Armin trails after her and gives Jean a little wave before sitting beside his two friends. That little trio have been together since before Jean met them, and he can't help but feel a pang of jealousy for the people who have always had friends.

His self-pity is interrupted by Reiner's noisy entrance and Bertl's muffled apology. Annie follows them quietly, and they take their seats to one side, Reiner recounting an unfortunate and improbable run in with Berty Bott's Every Flavoured Beans. (Frogspawn flavour is totally not a thing, and how does he even know what that tastes like anyway?)

Students of all houses are pouring into the room and filling up the other desks, chattering amongst themselves. Jean pulls out his quill and ink well and prepares for the agony of Levi's seemingly endless notes.

Speak of the devil; at that moment, Levi reappears from behind his black board. The class immediately goes silent, and the professor smiles in satisfaction.

“Now that we've finished the revision, we'll being your sixth year of dark arts classes. This year we will be dealing with unspoken spells, peculiar monsters -”

He is interrupted by giggling, shuffling, and hushed whispers from outside the door. With a wave of his wand and a dispassionate scowl, Levi opens the door and drags the culprits to the front of the room by their collars. Somewhat unsurprisingly, it's Sasha and Connie, but, more surprisingly, they are with a third person, Marco.

Levi gives them what Jean has privately dubbed 'the corporal's milk-curdling bitch face'. It's a common rumour that Levi had once taken down a mountain troll just by looking at it with that expression. It might just be true. The three students wilt under his gaze.

The teacher gives them enough time to regret whole-heartedly every single action that lead up to this point before speaking. “I see that Braus and Springer are already keeping up their reputation as huge idiots, but I didn't expect you to follow them, Bodt.”

They all quiver, and then Connie proves himself to be by far the stupidest of the lot by saying, “It’s not his fault! We, well, Sasha, was hungry so we made him take us to the kitchens and...” He trails off.

“And now you're all late,” finishes Levi for him.

Connie nods.

“Well, because it's the beginning of the year and I'm feeling _generous_ ,” he adds special emphasis to the word, “I'll take your word for it. Bodt, this is your first, last, and only warning. Go sit down.”

Marco sighs gratefully and almost runs to take the empty seat next to Jean.

“As for you two,” Levi isn't done with Sasha and Connie yet, “detention. See me after class, and five points from Griffindor, each.”

He shoves them away and they gratefully take their seats.

Levi continues his lecture.

After three and a half pages of notes, Levi directs the students to split into groups and perform one of the simplest spells without speaking: Wingardium leviosa.

“Hah, this takes me back,” Jean remarks, watching Eren flick his wand wildly. Mikasa reaches out to steady it and narrowly misses being poked in the eye. Annie is deftly manoeuvring her feather around the room, and Reiner laughs noisily every time his lifts off the table.

“How do you mean?” Asks Marco from beside him, he's been able to move the feather around on the desk, but not to get it into the air.

Jean smiles, “this is pretty much exactly like our charms class in year one when we first learned this spell.” A fiery whoosh and the smell of burning from Sasha and Connie's corner of the room confirms that it really is like year one.

“You guys sure have known each other for a long time,” Marco says.

“Well, it sometimes doesn't seem that way; their idiocy continues to surprise me.”

“Their idiocy? Wasn't it you who panicked at a broom fly over?”

“Hey,” Jean says, flushing, “it was a very close fly over; I had reason to be afraid.”

Marco laughs but says nothing.

“Seriously, someone could have been hurt!” Jean sighs dramatically. “I am surrounded by people whose one wish is to see me fail and then laugh at my misfortune.”

“True that,” yells Eren, his selective hearing kicking in.

“Jaeger, shut the fuck up,” Levi says from his seat behind his desk. He's the only teacher that swears at his students, and they've pretty much gotten used to that. The issue was only raised once, by Reiner, who was invited to talk about it after class. He had emerged from the meeting looking shaken and wouldn't talk about it. Levi was not to be questioned. Eren looks suitably ashamed and turns back to his feather.

“That teacher's really strict,” says Marco, looking at the professor, who is making tea in a surprisingly delicate china teapot. “None of my old teachers would have been upset by that, or even by that lateness thing.”

Jean gives him a sideways look. “Wow, that must be nice. I think you actually caught a break; he isn't usually that nice about lateness. Maybe he's not feeling well.”

Marco looks shocked.

“At least you didn't make a mess,” Jean continues. “He really hates that. I mean, he looks badass, and he totally lives up to his reputation as the most powerful force against evil, but he's a clean freak.”

“He sounds like a funny guy.”

Jean's eyes widen and he shushes Marco, looking around to make sure the teacher hasn't moved. “Take my advice and never let him hear you say that.”

They both look over at the professor, who is reading a newspaper with both his feet neatly crossed on top of his desk, his cup of tea dangling precariously from one hand.

“A clean freak though,” Marco says after a moment. “I never would’ve guessed; he looks like the kind of person who doesn’t even wipe the blood off his wand after killing you. And why does he hold his cup like that?”

“No, he’d definitely wipe the blood off, just on your quickly coiling corpse. And I don’t know, I’ve never seen him hold it any other way.”

“Somehow that’s worse.” The two boys are so engrossed in their conversation that they don’t notice Reiner creeping up behind them, which must be some kind of miracle because Reiner does not creep quietly. He jumps up behind them, wrapping an arm around each of their shoulders and nearly pulling them over in the process.

“What’re you two flirting about then?” He says, grinning his big smile. Jean’s face reddens, he can’t see Marco from behind Reiner’s fat head, but he can hear the other boys stammering something. Reiner guffaws, and claps them on their backs, “just kidding.”

Eren turns away from his feather to join in on the ridiculing. “Quit slacking off, horse face, you’re never going to succeed by chatting.”

“Tell me about it when you can actually levitate that thing without yelling like an idiot.”

“I don’t yell like an idiot!” Eren yells, idiotically.

Mikasa grabs his wand and yanks it out of eye level, “yes you do.”

“I don’t yell,” he protests again. “I speak normally. Back me up here guys.” Eren looks around beseechingly.

Jean smirks, “Nope.”

“Fuck you. Marco?”

“Don’t drag me in to this.”

“Armin?”

“Err, well, you do sometimes speak louder than necessary.”

“Reiner? Please man, help a dude out.”

“No can do Bro, you scream more than a goddam banshee.”

“Well fuck you too, you’re just some asshole with hooker eyebrows.” Eren is grasping at straws.

“That insult was weak,” Reiner fires back, “at least my voice doesn’t crack all the time. At least I don’t sound like some thirteen-year-old girl.” He lets go of Jean and Marco to flap his arms around and wail incoherently in a passable imitation of Eren when angry. “Oooh no, I’m going to destroy all evil. I’m going to be the greatest wizard who ever lived!” He pipes in a fake falsetto.

“Five points from Hufflepuff,” says Levi, without looking up. Reiner doesn’t look concerned by this, but a few of the other Hufflepuffs in the class groan.

Eren tries to tackle Reiner, knocking Jean over in the process, causing a domino effect resulting in Jean lying in a heap on the ground with Marco for the second time that day. To make the moment worse, Eren, who had previously been teetering on the brink of falling over, loses his balance and comes tumbling down on top of them.

They all scramble up, and in a minor fit of solidarity Eren doesn’t mention Jean’s burning face.

Armin giggles a bit in the background, “isn’t this the second time today?” He stops when he sees Jean’s expression, which is the portrait of ultimate humiliation.

Jean gets back to work, concentrating on the feather and avoiding Marco’s gaze.

Aside from a few insults from Eren, delivered in a loud stage whisper, the class continues normally, or at least as normally as possible with Eren’s frenzied wand waving and the intermittent explosions from the direction of Connie and Sasha. They’d blasted their way through five feathers already and the detonations weren’t stopping.

“Class dismissed,” says Levi, a split second before the bell rings.

As he leaves the room, Jean is still trying to figure out how best to apologize for the class’s unfortunate events. So far he hasn’t had a single bright idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Jean continue to humiliate himself? Can Connie and Sasha master basic spells without blowing anything up? Is Eren even capable of shutting the fuck up? All will be answered in the next instalment.


	3. Jean Kirstein and his Wild Lectures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is late because I'm trash and am losing motivation, please give me suggestions I need help. Thanks to Jaz and Linda for beta-ing.
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter's shenanigans.

_Hogwarts sixth years are required to attend a human sexuality lecture; also, it’s Halloween._

 

If you want adventure, Hanji’s human sexuality lecture is certainly the place to be.

The only room in Hogwarts big enough to fit the entire class of sixth years is the great hall, so, for the purpose of the Ministry approved human sexuality lecture, the tables been pushed to the sides of the room and benches have been set up facing the professor’s dais. A large wheeled blackboard has installed in the center of the room, and, somewhat worryingly, a white board has also arrived, though it has been pushed off to one side. This is troubling because the only time white boards are used at the wizarding school is when Hanji wants to put on a slide show.

The potions teacher is bending over her projection spell and fiddling with the brightness. She hums a little tune and smiles. Her glasses flash every now and then, reflecting the light of the spell. 

Levi is leaning up against the blackboard with his ‘dead inside’ look on his face.

Jean enters the hall with a sinking feeling in his stomach. Hanji’s lectures are infamous for being very, ahem, in depth, and a fuckton of information about human and bestial sexuality is not what he needs after the total humiliation of last week.

“Hi.” Armin appears at his side. Jean almost jumps out of his skin; that kid must have some mysterious magical talent for popping into existence in just the right place to freak him out. 

Once he recovers from the surprise, he notices the enormous smile that now adorns Armin’s face. The blond boy is clearly very, very excited. Troublingly excited. Hanji’s star pupil has always shared her enthusiasm for what Jean considers to be pointless, gross, or completely useless. He also shares her inability to be shocked by phrases like ‘rough and athletic flesh eating slug copulation’ and ‘make sure you use condoms or you’ll catch gential warts or worse.’

Jean moves to sit down in the middle of the benches, and Armin follows him. Soon the rest of the gang joins them. 

“Are you guys ready to get down and dirty with reproduction?” Reiner’s entrance is loud as usual.

Everyone groans.

“Reiner your attitude towards this class is re _dick_ ulous,” Connie says, snickering. He and Sasha dissolve into giggles.

Everyone groans again.

“I can’t wait to go through the _ins and outs_ of the subject,” Sasha adds. She is having a hard time speaking through her laughter.

Annie rolls her eyes at the couple, which only makes them laugh harder. Jean sighs; it’s going to be a long lecture.

“Looks like Levi’s having a bad time huh?” a soft lilting voice says from behind Jean. He whips his head around to find that Marco has sat behind him. Seeing his bewildered face, Marco chuckles. “You get startled really easily.”

“I do not,” Jean returns, flushing pink.

“He’s right, you totally do.” Mikasa is leaning around Armin to interrupt their conversation.

“It’s a proven fact that horses startle more than most creatures.” Eren pushes imaginary glasses up his nose. “That’s a fact.”

“Fuck off, Jaeger.” Jean faces forward and tries to ignore the drama beside him, and Marco giggles.

“You said it was a fact twice." 

“Well it is.”

“But you didn’t need to repeat the ‘that’s a fact.’”

“So?”

“It’s redundant. And I don’t think it’s even true.”

“ _What_? It’s totally true!”

“How do you know? Are you some kind of horse expert? Did you spend the weekend studying horses instead of doing your potions homework?”

“Connie fuck off. We’re having a serious conversation.”

“So horses are now serious conversation material?”

“It’s important to know about them now we’ve got one in our midst.”

“Dude, do you even know what ‘midst’ means?”

“Connie, Eren, shut up it’s starting.”

“Yes Mikasa.”

At the front of the room, Hanji has finished preparing her spell and now stands in the middle. Levi is still leaning against the blackboard, looking like he is praying for the sweet release of death to come and save him from some sort of living nightmare. Jean is ninety-four percent certain that Hanji talking about sex does actually qualify as a living nightmare.

“Ahem.” Hanji clears her throat and the hall quiets. “Today we will be learning about human sexuality, which is a fascinating subject that I personally find captivating. I’m so glad the Ministry is now teaching young people such important things–”

“Cut the crap Shitty Glasses.” Levi levers himself up and moves to stand beside his colleague. He favours the crowd with a distasteful frown. “The Ministry has obviously decided that the excessive dick puns–” (Sasha and Connie giggle) “show your complete ignorance when it comes to sex. After hearing too many stories about,” he pauses, “fornication and about ‘catching the pregnant’, I have to agree with them. So my misguidedly enthusiastic colleague and I have been given the unsavoury task of educating you little shits.

“Oh, I almost forgot, you will be required to complete an assignment on everything covered in the lecture and your hand it in on Friday of this week,” Levi finishes. The class groans, and Hanji grins at them. Despite her carefree personality, she is the professor who assigns the most homework. 

“So let’s begin,” Hanji grinned, her projection spell flashing in to life and a picture of a bisected penis and associated glands appearing on the whiteboard, “with the male anatomy.”

“Groooossss,” hisses Eren as Hanji starts listing off, in great detail, the various functions of the gland.

“It’s a basic part of the male human anatomy.” Marco leans forward to talk to Eren, his face appearing at Jean’s shoulder, “it shouldn’t be gross.”

“Besides, you’re a dude; you’ve had a dick all your life.” Jean smirks at Eren. “Unless there’s something you’re hiding." 

“Nope, he’s got a dick.” Mikasa smiles to herself.

“ _Mikasa_ –“

Connie’s satellite ears somehow manage to pick up Jean’s comment. “Hey, Jean, that’s shitty and transphobic.”

“The hell should I care?” Mutters Jean bitterly, turning back to the front.

Armin punches his head. “Connie’s right for once; that joke wasn’t funny.”

“Oh come on–“

Marco joins in too. “It was a bad comment, and I’ll explain why if you want, but now’s not the time.” He gestures to Levi, who looks like he’s thinking of wailing on someone.

Hanji pulls up another slide, a bisected uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries. “These are the female gonads.

“First is the ovary, the woman has two, one on either side of the uterus. What does the ovary do?” Hanji looks expectantly at the crowd of students, who stare back at her blankly.

Armin puts his hand up and, without waiting to be called on, says, “The ovary produces ovum, which, when combined with a sperm from the male, is the single cell that multiplies to form a human baby.”

“Correct!” smiles the teacher.

“Yo Armin,” Eren whispers as Hanji moves on. “How the fuck do you know all this?”

“Human biology is interesting." 

“What a nerd,” Jean chimes in.

“Kids, listen up.” Levi scowls at the group, directing their attention back to Hanji’s presentation.

“The uterus,” she taps with her finger, “is the largest organ in the female reproduction system. It is where the embryo matures to become a baby.”

“That’s disgusting,” Eren whispers again. Levi gives him a sharp look but doesn’t say anything so he continues, “I’m never having kids.”

“You do realize that we’re still discussing the _female_ reproductive system?” Jean asks, deadpan. Eren goes red and Jean, Armin, and Marco giggle.

Mikasa grabs Eren’s chin and forcibly pulls his head around until he is facing the front. “Pay attention.”

Jean spends the rest of the lecture in silence, trying to digest the slew of information. Beside him Armin is scribbling notes at the speed of light. Jean briefly wonders how he can write so quickly and how the fallopian tube is important enough to deserve half a page of writing.

He can’t help but sigh with relief when the class ends, Hanji wrapping it up with a cheery, “Always use protection. Remember, _foetus defetus_ is your go to spell if something goes wrong, and you can always talk to any one of the faculty members if you have questions.”

“But not Mike,” Levi adds quickly. “Please, for the love of God don’t go to Mike.”

* * *

 

“That was a lot of information that I really wish I didn’t know,” Jean remarks to Marco as they exit their last class of the day. The lesson had passed him by as Hanji’s lecture had been hard to shake. 

Marco laughs lightly, an odd habit of his, before replying, “I definitely didn’t need to know about the various benefits of slime.”

“That’s Hanji for you.”

Together they ascend to the fourth floor and thread their way through Hogwarts’s many corridors and halls, past a row of tall arched windows, and to an old door nestled in the stone wall.

Opening the door, they enter a medium sized room, square in shape, with large windows on two sides and a fireplace on the third. It may have once been the study of a long forgotten professor, but had since been abandoned.  Eren, Jean, and Armin had found it in their second year at Hogwarts when they’d gotten lost on their way to the astronomy tower. Since then, they’d fixed the little room up with comfortable furniture salvaged from other forgotten rooms in the large school, and posters of bands, muggle movies stars, and quidditch legends. It has become a common room just for their little group of friends. Reiner insists that is be called ‘the den’ for no other reason than ‘it sounds good.’

Long, dark grey curtains hung in front of the windows, and a fire had been lit in the grate, casting dancing shadows on the walls. Autumn has painted the countryside in its reds, oranges, and yellows, and night is falling noticeably earlier than it did a month ago. It’s already dark outside. Mikasa, Eren, and Armin have retreated there to do some homework before dinner. Jean throws himself into one of the armchairs they’d carefully carried up to the room with the aid of a few levitation spells.

“That’s better,” he sighs. “I can barely feel my ass from sitting on those old benches for the whole damn afternoon."

Marco sits across from him far more gently and begins his assignment without saying anything.

“Marco you’re such a devoted student.”

“It’s because he knows diligence is necessary to success,” Armin says from his position across the room.

“I know dili-whatever is necessary for success.” Jean leans back in his chair and covers his eyes with his hands “I’m just way too tired to do any of it now.” 

“You don’t do diligence you crotch-Nazi.”

“Eren get back to work.”

“Yes Mikasa.”

“Jaeger.”

“What?”

“Crotch-Nazi has to be the worst insult I’ve ever heard.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“Gladly.”

 “Jean, Eren, shut up.”

Jean sits back up and puts his stack of textbooks on the desk in front of him with a loud thump, and begins rifling thought the parchments sprouting from between book pages.

“I don’t get it, the year has only just started and already we’re practically swamped with homework.” When no one replies, he pulls out the crumpled assignment, retrieves a quill and pot of ink, unfolds the page, and begins to write.

About two minutes later he stops. “I don’t get it. What the hell is a clitoris and why do I need to know about it? What does it do?”

Marco smiles at him from his own chair and pulls out his diagram, tapping the clitoris with the end of his pen. “It doesn’t really do anything specific; it’s just a point of sexual stimulation.” 

“Did anyone ever tell you sometimes you talk like a doctor?”

Marco reddens slightly.

“It’s actually an undeveloped penis.” Armin butts in from where he is trying to help Eren with his potions homework. Eren sucks at potions and probably always will, despite Armin’s best efforts.

Jean groans and covers his face. “I did not need to know that.”

Mikasa, who, having finished her assignment, is sitting by the fire reading a newspaper, adds, “Technically the penis is a grotesque enlarged clitoris since physically we all are female early on in the womb.”

“I definitely did not need to know that.”

“Well, the more you know.” Marco chews the end of his pen and returns to his work.

“Hey Marco,” Jean asks, still trying to put off his homework. “Why do you always use muggle pens? Why not just use quills?”

“It’s easier for me to write with these,” Marco replies, not looking up. “I’m from a half-blood family: my mum’s a muggle, dad’s a wizard, but I really only used muggle things before starting school.”

“Ah. What was Red Dragon like anyway?”

“It was really different from this place, a lot smaller, and there were way more purebloods. For some reason there’re fewer muggleborns in Wales.”

“Huh. What’s a prostate gland?”

“Armin, what do you think of this?” Mikasa waves her newspaper over the back of the chair. The blond boy wanders over to look, leaving Eren to frown over his essay.

“Interesting. I’ve never heard of anything like that before.”

“What is it?” Marco joins them, followed by Eren and Jean, who lean over the back of the armchair to read the paper in Mikasa’s hands.

“Four dead in mysterious ministry murders,” Eren reads. “Well their alliterations certainly need some work.”

“As if you could do better, you inept block-head,” Jean taunts.

Eren is far too childish to realize that Jean is just trying to razz him up, “Can it turd-captain,” he retorts, grabbing Jean’s hand and trying to twist it backwards.

“Turd-captain? Really?” Armin sighs and goes back to studying the article.

“That sounds like a nasty death. I’ve never heard of anyone being killed that way before,” Marco observes. Jean and Eren immediately stop fighting and return to the huddle.

“They were found encased in some kind of yellowish crystal,” Mikasa reads. “Their bodies were covered in bite marks.”

“Maybe dire-wolves?” Armin suggests.

“Dire-wolves don’t explain the yellow crystal,” Marco points out.

“Whatever, I’m sure the aurors will be able to figure it out, and then arrest whoever is responsible,” says Eren confidently. “Justice will prevail.”

“Do you even know what prevail means Jaeger?”

Eren’s angry response is interrupted by Reiner, who bursts through the door with a loud greeting, “Watta you talkin’ about losers?”

“Murders in the ministry,” replies Mikasa, holding out the newspaper. Reiner waves it away. Connie and Sasha enter behind him.

“Guess what day it is next week.” Reiner booms, settling down on an old sofa. He stares at the group, waiting for a response. They stare back, not willing to humour him. 

“Doughnut day?” Connie finally asks.

“It’s Halloween.” Everyone instantly perks up, the murders forgotten, “and you know what that means.”

“We need a trick.” Sasha strokes an imaginary beard.

 “What do you mean, we need a trick?” Marco asks, looking at the circle of kids with a confused expression on his face.

Jean sighs. “They pull one big prank every year on Halloween. Last year they flipped every single object in the Great Hall upside down then suspended it all six feet off the ground.”

“It was hilarious, Levi got so mad,” Connie says. “But, this year, we need something better. Any ideas?”

The room falls into a thoughtful silence.

 “What about something with vegetables?” Eren asks.

 “No that’s dumb,” Connie replies without looking up.

“Thanks a lot asshole.” 

“Nope,” says Sasha, her eyes lighting up, “I have an idea.”

“Should I be worried?” Marco whispers.

“Definitely,” Jean replies.

* * *

 

Over the next week, Hogwarts becomes engulfed in a frenzy of activity. Halloween is an important event at the school, and the banquet requires an enormous amount of preparations.

Mikasa and Annie have been spelling candlesticks to be decorated with tiny grinning skulls and little bones. Unfortunately, due to the girls’ terrible art skills, some of the bones look more like little phalluses than portents of doom.

“It’s a dick on a stick,” Connie says after inspecting the carvings, sending Sasha, Reiner, and Eren into fits of laughter.

Annie huffs at him, Mikasa glowering over her shoulder. “Are you insulting our artwork?”

Everyone stops laughing.

In their potions class, Jean and Eren have been brewing up false mists, which, when they test the potion, fill the room with an eerie, damp fog. Because Eren is both simple minded and clumsy, he adds worm _root_ to the steaming cauldron instead of worm _wood_ , and their first batch of mist is tinted a delicate rose colour. Hanji, somewhat worryingly, appropriates it for her own use.

“A little something to liven up the Headmaster’s office,” she tells them with a wink.

Marco keeps them updated on the progress of the enormous pumpkins he’s growing in Herbology. Last time he checks on them, they are easily the size of Mini Coopers. 

This comment leads to an in-depth discussion on what a Mini Cooper actually is. Eren insists it’s some kind of muggle dessert, while Jean maintains it’s a television show, Armin disagrees with both of them saying it’s a car. After a few colourful expletives and creative metaphors, Marco settles the argument by looking it up on the Imptop. Armin is right, and grins brightly at the other two. Eren sulks for the rest of the day, refusing to admit his mistake. Jean also sulks, but has the grace to acknowledge he’d been wrong.

 Connie, Sasha, and Reiner walk down to Hogsmede whenever they get the chance, returning every time with bags full of stuff that they hide in the den. Jean has counted three hundred candles, more than fifty yards of fabric in green, blue, red, and yellow, and twenty jumbo bags of muggle googly eyes.

“Do you have any idea what those three are doing?” Marco asks Jean one day as they complete another one of Levi’s endless research projects in the den.

“I thought I had some idea, like some kind of vague inkling of what they’re planning, but, now, I just don’t know.” Jean shakes his head. “Can’t Levi give us a break just once, I mean, it’s almost Halloween and it would be nice to enjoy the holiday, _but no._ Now I have to find out exactly how much shit a siren will eat in a week.”

“Twenty kilograms.”

“Thanks Marco.”

“But what could they possibly want with all those googly eyes?”

Jean glances the bags of plastic eyes. “I can’t even guess. Seriously what’s with muggles and making disturbing stuff? Those things are creepy as shit.”

The freckled boy looks up at him and smiles, “if you think googly eyes are creepy then you’re pretty weak.–”

“Hey!” Jean interrupts, good-naturedly.

 “–Wait until you see the take out boxes.”

 They fall silent for a few minutes. The only sounds in the room are the crackling of the fire and the scratching on quills on thick parchment.

 “Hey Jean?”

 “Hm?”

 “Are you doing anything for Halloween this year?”

 “Like what?”

 “Like dressing up.”

 “I don’t know. The others usually dress up every year, but I’ve never really got into it, too much work you know? And Jaeger keeps trying to persuade me to go as a horse.”

 “That sounds like a really good idea,” Marco jokes.

“Don’t you start too. I’ve got enough idiots to put up with as is.”

“Anyway,” Marco fiddles with his robes then reaches up to rub the back of his head, “do you want to do a group Halloween costume thing with me? I’ve got the best idea.”

Jean doesn’t reply for a moment; Halloween has never really been an important holiday for him. The banquet is great and everything, but the whole dressing up, tricks and treats deal isn’t his deal.  But what the hell? It’s his second last year and he might as well enjoy it. “Sure, what have you got in mind?”


	4. Jean Kirstein and his Amazing Halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this is late. I had a lot of trouble writing it so I'm really glad it's done.   
> So this is becoming a string of one-shots and ficlets in chronological order, so if anyone has ideas for future chapters, tell me.

_Happy Halloween!_

“Marco you’re a genius,” Jean exclaims, jumping out of his seat.

The other boy smiles shyly and rubs the back of his head, “Well I thought it would be a good laugh and since everyone likes having fun– “

Jean grabs his hand and pumps it vigorously, almost dancing with excitement. Books and parchments lie scattered on the floor, knocked over by his outburst. “It’s the best idea I’ve heard of.”

He sits down again and thinks for a while, striking an almost comical pose, “But we have to plan this carefully, and we’ve only got,” he pauses, squinting at a calendar on the far wall. October’s picture is the French national quidditch team; it has already been defaced (probably by Eren), and now every member sports a crudely drawn moustache and beret. The grid is covered in deadlines and scribbles to such an extent that, after ten seconds of peering across the room, Jean levers himself out of the chair and walks over to the calendar, squinting at it.

“Do you need glasses?” Marco asks, jokingly.

“Shuddup,” Jean snaps back, “as I was saying, we only have one day to prepare.”

“I think we can do it.”

* * *

 Halloween day dawns bright and early. Reiner, Connie, and Sasha skip most of their classes to put the finishing touches on their prank. Eren wants to join them but Mikasa prevents it and he complains loudly at lunch, mourning her ‘no fun allowed’ policy.

“Maybe if you got better marks,  you’d be able to skip.” Jean jeers.

“It’s true,” says Armin, “you can ditch classes when you’re doing well in them. You’re the one who asked me to help you get your grades up, not the other way around.”

“Fuck you both,” Eren scowls and returns to his sandwich, “painfully. With a dragon.”

“Jaeger?”

“Piss off.”

“How can you fuck someone with a dragon? Just curious. 

“I don’t know but you seem like the perfect test subject,” Eren growls.

“Wow, you’re unusually witty today, did someone put _ipsum intelligentia_ in your breakfast?”

“Shut up you communist boner; I’m trying to work here.”

Jean laughs so hard he falls off the bench.

“What’s going on?” Marco sets his tray of food down beside the four teens. Jean is on the floor, laughing too hard to reply; Eren, red-faced, looks like he might kill someone; and Armin and Mikasa are snickering behind their hands. “I’m just going to assume that Eren and Jean were fighting?” He says it like a question.

“Pretty much,” replies Mikasa.

Jean manages to catch his breath and levers himself back on to the bench, “He called me a ‘communist boner.’”

Marco snorts and then looks embarrassed, “sorry Eren, I don’t want to make fun of you but how did you come up with that?" 

“Earlier he said he’d fuck me with a dragon,” Jean subsides into hysterics again.

The freckled boy chuckles at this and then turns to the others, “so are you guys doing the trick or treating too?”

“Hell yeah!” Eren’s rage turn to excitement faster than should be possible, “there’s no way I’m passing up all those sweets.”

“There’s no way I’m letting him eat all those sweets,” adds Mikasa. 

“We’re going as the four houses with Bertl,” Armin says, “sorry, we would have asked you but there’s no more space.”

“Don’t worry, I’m doing something with Jean,” He nods at the other boy, who by this time has managed to control himself.

“And it’s gonna be awesome,” Jean chips in.

“I meant to tell you, everything is in order. Professor Hanji was happy to help out with the non-magical part of it, she’s quite excited to see how it turns out.”

“What is it?!?” says Eren, leaning over the table 

“Not telling.”

“You’ll see tonight,” Marco grins. His eyes widen as he remembers something, “I told Mike I’d help with the pumpkins, see you before the feast.”

“Pumpkins?” Jean asks.

“Among other things,” calls Marco as he rushes off.

“Man I’m so excited,” Eren thumps the table with his fist.

“Don’t get distracted,” says Mikasa, deadpan, “you still have work to do.”

* * *

 That night the halls are illuminated by hundreds of candles that cast flickering shadows across the walls. First years shriek and giggle at the costumes of the older students, as well as the antics of the ghosts. Muffled music can be heard pouring out of the Great Hall, but it’s oak doors are still firmly closed.

“Hey isn’t that ‘This is Halloween’ from The Nightmare Before Christmas?” asks Marco. He and Jean are standing in a quiet corridor near the hall, waiting for the others.

Both boys are wearing the stolen robes of Levi and Erwin. Around them is a complicated illusion that makes them look exactly like the two teachers. Marco has perched a pink sequined wizards hat on his head, making it look as if Levi is wearing the tasteless accessory. This is even funnier as Levi presided over past Halloween banquets stubbornly refusing to have any fun at all, and scowling at anyone who looked at him. Jean, or Erwin, is wearing a pair of neon red and green slippers with turned up toes and a sparkly gold waistcoat.

Jean squints at his companion, in the dim light Marco’s can just barely be seen behind the illusion’s mask. One moment freckles adorn Levi’s cheeks, or his eyes flash from grey to brown and back. The mask isn’t completely accurate, which is why it’s legal.

“What’s that?" 

“The Nightmare Before Christmas? It’s a muggle movie.”

 “Oh, never heard of it, but they play this song every single year. Erwin likes it. Where is everyone?”

 Mikasa, Eren, Armin, and Bertl arrive, dressed in house themed costumes. Mikasa is wearing a long black fur coat with a white stripe down the back, small ears on her head have been spelled to look real, and her hands have been magically transformed in to long claws. She must be the Hufflepuff badger. Beside her Eren stands, his hair combed outwards and dyed a fiery range of oranges, his hands also sport claws, and Jean can see a lion’s tail flicking out behind him. Looks like he’s Griffindor. It’s easy to guess which house mascot Armin is dressed as, with huge bronze wings arching out from his back and wickedly sharp talons protruding from his shoes he can only be the Ravenclaw falcon. Bertl is dressed in a suit made of a silvery green fabric, and when he opens his mouth, Jean can see fangs have been added to his teeth. A snake for Slytherin of course.

 “Huh?” Eren says, looking around, “where’s Jean and Marco, they said they were here.”

 Jean snorts out a quick laugh, “Eren it’s us.”

 “What?” The lion squints at them.

 Marco banishes his illusion and realization dawns on Eren’s face.

 “WOW!” He yells, laughing and rushing towards them, “those costumes are so good!”

 “Nice,” says Armin, coming up behind the taller boy, “that’s a pretty great illusion, it fooled me until you started talking.”

 “Didn’t fool me,” says Mikasa, somewhat smugly.

 Bertl shifts uncomfortable in his costume, “are you sure the professors will be okay with this?”

 “Nah. It’s Halloween, we’ll be fine,” Jean hooks his arm over Bertl’s shoulder, or tries to, the other boy is was too tall for it to work.

 Marco re-casts the illusion, and grins, his expression mirrored on Levi’s face.

 Eren laughs again, “I think this is the first time I’ve seen Levi smile.”

 “No he smiles,” says Mikasa, “especially when he’s yelling at you.”

 "What!?! No way! He likes me,” Eren replies.

 “Just keep telling yourself that,” Jean mutters, Marco hears this and giggles.

 “Why are you laughing? Stop it I’m not funny– “

 A large white object dive-bombing him from the ceiling cuts off Eren’s sentence with a long, drawn out, “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

 It hits Eren in the chest and bowls him over, screaming curses and colourful metaphors at the air.

 “WHASSUP BITCHES,” Reiner yells, jumping off of Eren, “don’t ya like my costume?” The costume is a sheet with two eyeholes crudely cut in to the front.

“I can see you put a lot off efforts into that,” Jean says, sarcastically.

“Totally,” says the ghost, “I spent ages on this levitation spell.”

Connie swaggers up behind him, dressed in all black with cartoon bones painted in luminescent white on the shirt. The space in between them appears a lot deeper than it should, almost hollow.

Jean squints at it, “What spell did you use on that?”

“ _Cavum_ , Armin cast it for me,” Connie smiles proudly.

Sasha grins, “ I’m the only one who didn’t actually use a spell one mine. It’s a one hundred percent muggle costume.” 

“And what is it, exactly,” says Armin, trying hard to sound interested and not just confused.

The brunette gestures to the short green tunic, green tights, and green hat with a red feather, “guess.”

“A forest imp?” Hazards Armin.

“Kermit the Frog,” Connie says laughing.

“No way you idiot.”

“A fucking ballerina,” Eren has sat up and is trying to fix his costume, “Reiner you sat on my mane you turd-pilot.”

“Turd-pilot? What even? And you’re totally wrong.”

“Is it Peter Pan?” Marco asks.

“Ding ding, the winner is Marco,” Sasha throws an arm around his, or rather Levi’s, shoulders, “you’re prize is being smarter than these dumbasses.”

“That’s no fair I didn’t even get to guess,” Jean protests.

“Too slow,” Sasha sticks her tongue out at him and Marco smirks and crooks his hand into an L shape above his head. ‘Loser’ he mouths.

“All my friends are traitorous assholes,” Jean moans, and Reiner laughs his booming laugh.

“Hey, wait, no,” Eren frowns in confusion, “Peter Pan doesn’t look like that. Why would a great wizard explorer dress in such a stupid get up with _tights_?”

Sasha lets go of Marco and sidles over to Eren, tapping her nose, knowingly. Well, she’s probably aiming for ‘knowingly.’

“Is your nose itchy,” Mikasa says, feigning innocence.

Sasha jabs a finger in her direction and says, “I’m muggle Peter Pan."

“What?”

 “Muggle Peter Pan; I can’t have a muggle costume of wizard Peter Pan now can I?” 

“Well you could…”

“Armin that’s not the point.”

 “Is everyone here then?” Jean asks, irritation creeping into his voice.

Marco surveys the crowd, “We’re still missing Annie.”

“No I’m here,” the tiny blonde appears from behind a stone lamp, scaring Armin, who almost leaps in to Eren’s arms.

“Annie,” Reiner’s voice is disappointed, “you didn’t dress up.”

“Why should I? I’m not staying for any of the parties anyway.”

“Why not, it’s Halloween.”

“I’m going to eat, then I’m going to bed,” she says, firmly. 

Reiner groans dramatically, but Annie is unmoved.

“Okay let’s go I’m fucking hungry,” Sasha says, already turning towards the doors of the Great Hall.

“Hey Fucking Hungry I’m Connie.”

“Get out.”

The others follow her, Connie rushing ahead with Jean and Marco bringing up the rear.

“Oh yeah,” says Marco, “didn’t those guys have some kind of prank planned?”

As it turned out, Sasha, Connie, and Reiner did have a prank planned.

The doors to the Great Hall swing open in front of them and the crowd of students gasp. In front of them, Erwin smiles faintly and chuckles, Mike inhales deeply and smirks, and Haji bursts out laughing. Levi groans.

Every single surface in the Great Hall, from the house banners hanging from the stormy ceiling to the legs of the tables and benches, the goblets and plates, the walls, everything is covered in googly eyes. Little plastic orbs are stuck on the serving platters, glued on the enormous floating pumpkins, and fixed to the fireplaces. Jean cranes his neck up and back to look at Reiner, who, sheet pushed back, is admiring the Hall, a proud smirk glued across his face.

“You did this?” 

He nods, “You bet! I dunno how we’re gonna top it next year though.”

“How even…?”

Connie appears from behind Reiner’s bulky costume and wiggles his fingers, “Sorcery.”

Jean sighs, and beside him Marco murmurs, “How did they do all this is such a short space of time?”

“Probably just like Connie said, sorcery.”

Marco’s stomach growls and they both laugh, “What time is it anyway?" 

“Time to eat!” Reiner yells behind them, thumping his chest for absolutely no reason and looping his arms round their shoulders, and Jean finds himself grinning.

Just before Erwin’s usual speech, he and the other teachers huddle together in a corner of the hall behind their table, discussing something.

“What’re they up to?” Eren whines, fidgeting on his seat, “I’m hungry.”

Mikasa clamps a hand down on his thigh. Eren winces and stops moving. Jean snickers and him, and the half-siblings both give him dirty looks.

 “Eren’s right though,” Sasha says, oblivious to the drama beside her as she fidgets with her hat, “They’re taking way too long.”

 Eren laughs, “Sasha you’re such a pig– “

 He is cut of as both Sasha and Mikasa hit his head, hard.

 “Oi that hurt! Jean stop laughing it’s not funny.”

 “You deserved it,” Mikasa says coldly.

Erwin taps a goblet delicately with a tiny spoon, but instead of ringing, it makes a muffled thunking, the googly eyes adorning it dulling the sound. Hanji erupts into a violent coughing fit, which is probably concealing giggles. Erwin gives her a slightly desperate look at begins his speech. 

Which is just the same as every year. Not once does he mention the googly eyes that cover the hall.

He claps his hands and the feast appears. Soon the hall is filled with the hubbub of voices, most of them trying to guess the identities of the mysterious pranksters.

“So what’s the deal?” Jean asks as he elbows Eren out of the way and sits down beside him.

“Mmph,” says Sasha, her mouth full of ham.

Mikasa elbows her, “Don’t talk with your mouth full.”

The brunette swallows the ham in one enormous gulp and waggles a chicken leg at her friend, “Who are you, my mom?”

Mikasa grabs a bread roll and tries to shove it in Sasha’s mouth; Connie guffaws at both of them as the wrestling watch continues.

“He’s probably making some bigger joke out of it,” Armin says, addressing Jean’s earlier question.

He has already sat on Eren’s other side and Jean can see Reiner and Marco making their way to the Griffindor table, Reiner bumping in to people and things then smiling and laughing loudly, and Marco apologizing for him.  Going by the blonde’s red face and slightly uneven gait, he probably managed to smuggle some ale up from Hogsmede. Jean’s surprised no one noticed.

As Marco crosses in front of the teacher’s table, still in full costume, Hanji chokes and almost spews the butterbeer she was drinking across her plate. She grabs Levi’s sleeve and points. His eyes go wide then his face goes blank. Annie snorts from behind Jean, also enjoying the show. The short professor stands up and approaches Erwin’s chair, whispering something in his ear. Erwin chuckles and replies.

“That’s certainly something we’ve never seen before,” Annie translates, reading the headmaster’s lips, “I like it.”

They arrive at the table and Reiner almost pushes a couple of first off the end of the bench as he sweeps open a seat for himself and Marco.

“Well hello my friends, how do you find yourselves this hallows eve?”

“How very poetic of you.” Annie says caustically.

“Reiner how the fuck are you drunk already?” Eren practically yells; Armin tries to quiet him, to no avail, “It’s only seven o’clock dude.”

“The night ahead of us is long,” Reiner sings, clutching Connie’s head to his muscled chest and hefting what looks like a mug of butterbeer but probably isn’t, “besides I needed something to keep me company while I –ehm- _decorated_ the hall.” He whispers conspiratorially, or what he thinks is conspiratorially in his hundred-decibel whisper.

Connie, with a lot of strain and Sasha’s help, pries his head away from Reiner’s rock hard abs, “I’m surprised you managed to cast the spell like that.”

“It took all of my wizardly powers.”

“Fuck man wizardly powers aren’t actually a thing, even I know that.”

“So Jaeger admits he’s stupid. Its not Halloween, it’s Christmas!”

“Fuck off Jean.” 

“Such language; do you speak to your mother with that mouth?”

Mikasa stops their argument by physically separating them and shoving them towards the plates of food. Eren is unfortunate enough to land face first in a fluted bowl of ice cream. The table erupts in laughter.

“Who’s the pig now?” Sasha mocks, tears at the corners of her eyes.

Armin grabs a napkin to wipe the dessert off and Eren bites at his fingers.

“Gay~” Jean says, just loud enough for them to hear. 

Before Connie can yell, 'homophobia!' And lecture them all, Armin turns to Jean, deadpan, and says, “Yes, very sound observation Jean, we are, in fact, gay. Two homosexual men in a homosexual relationship, who would’ve thought that it could get a little, gasp, gay.”

Chastened, Jean looks down at his food, and everyone applauds.

“You totally got served!”

“Nice one Armin.”

Eren, unfortunately, isn’t done yet, “Aren’t you a little gay yourself Kirstein, like you and freckles over there–“ Armin shoves the cloth into Eren’s face, stopping his words.

The table is suddenly silent. Jean squirms uncomfortably, and tries to ignore the fact that Marco is sitting very close to him on the crowded bench and it felt so natural he didn’t even notice until now. Seriously, they’ve only been friends for two months and they don’t even see each other that much and– Jean cuts off that train of thought quickly. This is Halloween, the time for light-hearted fun and eating so much candy you pass out, not deep moral reflection. Besides, he can still get Eren back. He straightens his shoulders and says with dignity, “No Eren, I’m bi. Get your facts straight.”

The tension vanishes and Jean cracks a smile as Reiner thumps him to hard on the back and Connie begins his well-practised tirade against bi-erasure.

“Armin quit cleaning all the ice off his face, he’s gonna need it after that burn.” Sasha hoots.

“One point to Jean and zero points to Eren,” Marco says, and when Jean turns to look at him, he’s grinning happily, not at all phased by the humiliation moments ago.

Jean smiles a bit timidly back, its Halloween after all, the time to take risks. 

The conversation dies out for a while as everyone enjoys the food. Say what you will about it, but Hogwarts fare is simply the best.

Reiner breaks the silence, loudly chewing and swallowing his mouthful before saying, “There’s a big Hufflepuff party tonight in that old dungeon chamber that super spooky and no one uses anymore. Sixth and seventh years only, no prefects allowed.”

“Hey,” says Armin, good-naturedly.

“Well no prefects except Ar,” Reiner amends, “we cool bro?”

“We cool.”

“Anyway it’s totally gonna be fun and there’s more where this came from,” he unsubtly clinks his mug, which, upon closer inspection, appears to be filled with wizarding ale which is a lot stronger than the muggle equivalent.

“I’m down,” Sasha mumbles, her teeth glued together with toffee apple.

Eren nods enthusiastically to demonstrate his approval and accidentally flicks some of the ice cream still stuck in his hair in to Jean’s face. Jean retaliates by elbowing the Griffindor in the head. The ensuing tussle shoves Jean into Marco and both boys in to an unfortunate forth year. Mikasa grabs Eren’s shoulder to prevent further fighting.

 There are some more memorable moments: Levi lifting a teacup plastered with googly eyes to his lips with a hopeless look in his eye, Erwin awarding Jean with five house points for “the best me I’ve ever seen,” Sasha complaining of feeling sick and then belching for almost three minutes. As they leave the hall, Marco points out Mike, who, over the course of the meal, has somehow become covered in plastic muggle eyes.

 “By the way,” Jean asks Connie as they leave, “how are you planning to clean up all the eyes anyway?”

 He shrugs, “Reiner said he’d do it.”

 They all look up at Reiner, who is singing along to one of Hanji’s Halloween tracks tunelessly, his face flushed and bright. “Ah,” Jean says.

 The party passes in a haze of lights and noise. Jean remembers it in short blurry scenes. Connie and Sasha dancing a disjointed jig to ‘Spooky Scary Skeletons,’ high-fiving each other every time the word spooky pounds out of the radio spell. They also drink a substantial amount. Eren screaming as he puts his hand into a bowl of raw spaghetti ‘worms’. Mikasa films the encounter and when Eren notices she has, he tries to catch her, but trips and ends up bruising his chin on the stone floor. Reiner drunkenly reciting Shakespearean love poetry to the tiny Hufflepuff, getting slapped, and then being told she was a lesbian (no surprise there, Jean thinks, looks like Armin owes him a sickle). He drinks and leans on Bertl’s arm of the rest of the night complaining, “It’s hard being a teen and finding romance.” He won’t remember any of it tomorrow, which is probably for the best.

Jean, well, he doesn’t remember the rest of the night, but the next morning he wakes up neatly tucked into his bed with a fuzzy mind and a pounding headache. There’s a teapot on the stove in the middle of the room, and when Jean finally manages to push himself off the bed to look at it he finds is contains at thick musky liquid. There’s a note attached to the handle written in blue ballpoint pen. ‘ _I helped you back to the Slytherin common room and made Bertl tell me the code, hope that was okay. This is my mum’s favourite hangover tea; you looked like you’d need it. –Marco._ ’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ipsum intelligentia - intelligent thought  
> cavum - hollow  
> Don't take my word for this though, its google translated.


End file.
